Loving the Homosexual Next Door

Recently, two gay men moved into a house across the street from a friend of mine. He’s Christian, married, and has 4 young children. He reached out to me for guidance. He’s not afraid, this is just new for him. Like me, he has been brought up in a fairly insulated, loving Christian home where protection from the world in many cases meant sheltering from the broken, confused, sick, different, and dirty. We understand we’ve been “called out” as people of God to be different, but we forget we’ve also been “sent back” and “set apart” for a purpose. We are on the earth to make disciples, but we’re too busy making distinctions.

Sadly, many professors of Jesus have failed to properly love those with whom they disagree. I operate by the principle that Christians have no authority where they have not shown responsibility: stop correcting people you haven’t tangibly loved! Discipline without love feels like dictatorship. Jesus’ model for the treatment of those different than himself was something like this: service and healing, work and relationship, q & a times, trust and Truth. For your neighbors, the order matters. The five points below are what I wrote to my friend. I use homosexuality below because that’s context in which my friend was asking, you may choose to insert a different struggle, the principle is the same. The scope here is not a battle plan for Christians who are interested in legislating our way to a moral land. Politics and policy are important, just not primary, and they don’t transform and heal the heart. This is a reminder that primarily every Christian is a missionary, called to sacrificially love his neighbors; all of them, unconditionally, no matter how different they are from us.

1. Stop thinking of your neighbors as homosexuals – of course that’s their “sin”, but really they are fallen humans that need a Savior. What if they were straight, but drunkards, adulterers, verbal abusers, addicts, given to money and materialism, etc? Everyone has screwed up neighbors, most of us don’t have to look outside our own home. See them not as two men that have sex together, show grace by looking past their sin (like you do your family, brothers and sisters, spouse, etc.) and have compassion on them as sheep who are harassed and helpless, in need of a Shepherd. They are two men that see each other as savior/idol. You’ve got something better, and they are gonna see and feel it over time. Your job is to strategically, just like a missionary in a foreign land (because that’s what you are), show them the reality of God and the story of the Gospel. You can’t fix them, be released of that duty, only Jesus can change them. Show them what it means to follow Jesus, get them following too, and let the Holy Spirit soften their hearts and illuminate their minds with truth. Your neighbors aren’t sin incarnate, they’re sinners for whom the incarnate Christ died.

2. Be a friend, build relationship – These guys can be your friends. Honestly, they are probably hilarious and fun to hang out with, but who knows? They are your neighbors now, and it wasn’t an accident. Make them some cookies and prepare a card from your family with a picture, cell numbers, etc. Let them know you look forward to being friends and that they can call on you for anything if they need it. Friend them on Facebook, learn about them there, and invite them over for dinner. Make your house a city on a hill to them, a place they will see light, stability, grace, love, and truth. As you befriend them, it will build trust and relationship. Your life will become curious to them over time, then they’ll start asking questions about your life, faith, etc.

3. Integrate your lives with them – Only you will know how much integration is appropriate or even possible. The fact is, you need them, whether you think you do or not. Most of us live propped up, individualistic lives, ignoring community. We suffer for it. Not only are these guys valuable in God’s sight, they’re valuable to you. I’m sure they are talented guys, with some amazing God given strengths. One may be an artist, a musician, a writer, a banker, a designer, a gardner, who knows? Find out how they fit into your community and use that as a blessing for everyone. There should be a few things that you guys can share in common, like chickens, or gardening, mud runs, maybe hunting, camping or cooking, etc. Go and find out what they like, what their hobbies and interests are. Identify things in your life that might encourage or bless them, and offer it to them freely.

4. Don’t waste a perfectly good discipleship opportunity for your children – Don’t fear for your kids, they were given to you to bless your neighbor (Gen. 18). Your children will pick up on your fears and prejudices. The battle is going to be not devaluing your neighbors worth as humans and persons for whom Christ died because they live a way you deem inappropriate. You children won’t turn gay just because you have neighbors that you treat normally who are gay. It’s ok right now for them to know that they are just two men living together. But when “the talk” ensues, 10-12 years old-ish depending on each child’s maturity, that would be the appropriate time to disciple them through God’s standards for marriage, what your family believes, and what your neighbors have chosen. Be very open, honest, and direct with them about life, love, and missional living. It’s messy, but kids are smart, resilient, and teachable. Imagine what your children will be able to do for God at 18 years old after watching their parents lovingly minister to lost or hurting neighbors for 5-7 years of their young adult lives. And like Jesus, sit them down in between ministry endeavors to explain the Kingdom of God in stories, in power, and in truth.

5. Pray and Believe – Belief is going to drive action. The fact is, if you don’t believe God can transform them, you probably won’t pray for them or act in love on their behalf. It might take 20 years, but God can do it. Believe that he can, and let that belief lead to prayer and action. Don’t be bummed that your Christian hero, or your best friend didn’t move in across the street from you. That didn’t happen because you don’t need your Christian hero and your best friend. You have grown and matured, you’re in the peace-maker/persecution stage of the Be-attidues (cycle of discipleship), it’s now time to pour yourself out in service among the wandering souls, the culturally jaded, the misunderstood, the broken and sick. Remember… 1 Cor. 6:11 And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.

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Questions To Ask When Searching for a Pastor/Leader

Oh no! We need a pastor, what do we do? Many, sadly, will follow a shallow corporate process and their own personal bias and emotion. After sorting through 300 resumes of hopefuls and after some fun drama, test sermons, an opinion from the people with the money, and some sort of vote, they’ll settle on the best person from the stack, for them. He’ll have an impressive job history, polished preaching skills, good doctrine, and all on the search committee will be convinced he’s the right one. He may in fact end up being an amazing, loving leader who faithfully pastors his church for years to come. Or, he’ll end up doing other things, like: maintain the status quo (safe guy), grow the church rapidly (ordained CEO), divide it (won’t deal with real controversy), become the identity of the church (bigger than Jesus at his church), or kill it (we brought him in, but we can’t make him leave). The difference is character. WHO IS THIS MAN? Why do we wait til the end of the process to ask the MOST important questions, while possibly weeding out men on paper who’s character and vision might have been exceptional. My concerns are not so much with the process of how many find a pastor, that will vary, but what happens within the process is utterly important. No matter how your church chooses to find a pastor, I believe the below questions are THE most important ones, and can NOT be left out of the process.

But, before asking the questions, a church must first look internally. The reason many of us have accountability is so that our friends can lovingly point out our blind spots. Churches need the same. Those months/years without a pastor is the perfect time to ask these questions. Where are we as a church, where are we headed, what do we need to change? Unless your church is perfect, there should be a humble answer to each of those questions. Bring in consultants from the outside, if needed, to identify clearly the health and direction of the church. Compare your church to the one in Acts, and the standards found in the Epistles. Chances are, your church needs serious reforming. We all do. A great word for healthy church change is “re-missioning”: moving a mature body of believers towards more biblical practices for church and for life. This is what you are hiring a pastor to do, primarily. Secondarily, yes, preach, visit, shake hands, administrate, etc, but foremost, you’re hiring a “lead follower of Jesus.” Hire the right guy and he’ll re-mission and reform your church towards a more Biblical approach to church and life. Really, these questions should not only be asked of pastors, but anyone in vocational ministry.

Now, to the questions.

1. Is he Qualified? – Step number one, know the man. Match his life against the qualifications in Titus 1 and 1 Tim 3, and be strict about it. Know his character. Know him as his wife and children know him. Ask him about sexual addiction, habits he has that he can’t break, areas where he struggles with moderation. Get honest and real from the beginning. Interview his wife and children, spend ample time at their house. During character reference calls ask specifically about his life away from church, if he has one. If he doesn’t disciple his wife and children well, if there is no measurable fruit in the family, move on to the next guy. The rest of the questions do not matter.

2. Is he teachable? – When we train and select elders for leadership, trait number one in every one has to be this one: humility. You are not hiring a senior King, in whom all will bestow unlimited power. You are hiring the greatest servant in your church, and humility and meekness do not hinder strong leadership, but compliment it. If you want to know if he’s teachable, ask him if he has ever been rebuked, about what, and how it went? Also, you can ask him, what are the biggest theological shifts that you’ve made in the last 5 years. A real leader is always reforming. Not wavering, but deepening his understanding of the scripture and it shows in his life and ministry. When a guy doesn’t reform along the way, you end up with a pastor for 20 plus years who becomes the cork on the bottle and wonders why there is no growth, lots of pressure, and lots of tension in his ministry. It might be because he’s not teachable and not reforming/repenting towards more Gospel centered church practices and living. Is he willing to work with and submit to a leadership team, whether it’s an elder board, or deacons, etc?

3. What is his vision for discipleship? – A Pastors number one duty is every Christians number one duty. And he should model this for the church. Make disciples; disciples who follow Jesus and lead others to do the same. A full time pastor should walk closely with 5-6 other guys, pouring himself into them as he follows Christ, until they can be sent out as missionaries, church planters, or become leaders within the church. One of the biggest tragedy’s is when a pastor focuses all efforts on preaching, running programs, and administration, discipling no one and not seeing to it that others are being discipled. You end up with a congregation of spectators and a burnt out pastor. One of the most glorious sights is a church full of disciples who are discipling each other to follow Jesus. That’s a healthy church.

4. What is his vision for church planting? – Church planting is the single greatest way the Great Commission is carried out on the earth. For newer churches and older churches that are rethinking church practice, this church planting thing may be down the road a ways. But it’s still a question that must be asked, and it’s a target every church should be aiming at. Ultimately, healthy churches multiply, if it’s not multiplying or in the process, it’s not healthy. Churches and Christians must multiply, just like everything healthy in nature multiplies, that’s the way God wired it. I like this excerpt from – http://www.exponential.org/news/the-true-fruit-of-a-church/ “What is the true fruit of an apple tree?” Schwarz replied, “It’s an apple, of course.” Then McGavran said, “You’re wrong. The true fruit of an apple tree is not an apple, but another apple tree.” The true fruit of a small group is not a new Christian, but another group; and the true fruit of an evangelist is not a convert, but new evangelists,” Schwarz writes, “and the true fruit of a church is not a new group, but another church; and the true fruit of a leader is not followers, but new leaders.”

5. Is he about growth or multiplication? – Growth is good, natural, and normal, but growth can also be abnormal and unhealthy too; wisdom knows the difference. Growth is never sustainable or permanent. Plants grow, they bear fruit, they die. Then, the “sent” fruit, it multiplies. Growth is something we must manage and think about, because it will happen. But good growth is never the focus, it’s a by product of Gospel healthiness, discipleship, and a whole Church. Pastors need a vision for multiplication. We don’t just want to grow a church, we want it to multiply. We don’t just want to grow believers, we want to multiply them. We don’t just want to grow teachers, leaders, servants, evangelists, the budget, etc; we want to multiply them; all for Kingdom advancement. When your potential, pastoral candidates are talking about ministry, listen in context. Is he mostly about growth, or multiplication?

6. Does he love the city? – There is a shift taking place in today’s churches, a good one. Pastor’s are realizing that there is no one church that will ever reach a city. That if it’s going to be done, it must happen in collaboration with other churches. Many pastors never think about either of these, Gospel partnership and collaboration, or the welfare of their city. A little over 200 years after the apostles died, almost the entire Roman world was Christian. Why? Not because great preachers were growing huge churches. Because people who had a heart for the welfare of the place they lived believed and carried out the Great Commission in small faithful ways in their city, discipling each other as they followed Jesus together. Churches in different cities were only separated by location, their mission was identical. Does he believe that Christians and churches must be collaborating in prayer, in outreach efforts, in ministry to the poor and needy, all under the banner of Christ? A pastor who doesn’t love his city is not going to look outside the 4 walls of his kingdom, he’s gonna tell you to go out and do it, but do nothing about it if you aren’t doing it. Find a pastor who honestly desires to make Christ known in his city, for their good and for God’s glory, and sees the church, discipleship, church planting, and collaboration with other area churches as the means to carry out this mission.

I believe if these visions are driving a pastor at a church, that as a by-product his sermons, his teachings, and his leadership and ministry will be powerful, passionate, and carried out with urgency. Resist the urge to hire someone polar opposite than the last pastor. Resist the urge to hire someone just like your childhood pastor. Resist the urge to hire someone just because they have letters after or before their name or have held positions of prominence. Resist the urge to hire a “great preacher” because he looks and sounds nice behind the pulpit. I would even say do not do the resume process, unless you want to weed through those 300 possibly desperate men looking mostly for a job and not really a life ministry. Work through networks of pastors and friends, and get recommendations and leads that way. PRAY, pray, and PRAY more. It would be ok if this process took a year or more; in light of eternity, and in hopes of years of fruitful ministry and multiplication, is there a reason to rush?